Had He Lived
by thesewordsinthisworld
Summary: Series of one-shots based on a world where Derek survived.
1. Touch & Go

Meredith's legs are like rubber as she paces in the waiting room. She never really noticed the awful smell of a hospital waiting room—the smell of antiseptic and salty tears. With the childhood she had, she should be used to them. Derek was just taken to surgery—she hadn't even been allowed back to see him.

A lot of times, Meredith feels as though their luck will run out. Plane crashes, drownings, shootings—they shouldn't have survived this long. She cannot kick the thought that today could be his day.

He was saving someone. He was saving lives and was hit head on trying to come back to her.

Meredith always felt as though Derek was too confident when he drove. He landed himself in jail on multiple occasions due to speeding. What if she had been there? Would she have seen it coming?

"Mommy?" a voice asks, pulling Meredith from her thoughts. Sitting in a chair next to Zola is Bailey—her ever quiet Bailey. He has a though demeanor but Meredith can tell that he senses her worry. He's always been such a compassionate little boy. Always first to give a hug, always first to offer a smile.

Meredith leans down so she's eye level with him. Those eyes—they hit her hard now—they're Derek's. Meredith has to choke down a sob. "Yes, baby?" she asks Bailey.

Bailey tilts his head to the side and looks to Zola, who has tears in her eyes. Meredith silently vows to pull herself together. "Why aren't you with daddy—you're the best, you need to be in there," he says adamantly.

Meredith can't control the sob that waves through her body. She picks up her son and holds him in one arm while pulling Zola closer with the other. "Honey, these doctors are going to do everything they can do to save daddy," Meredith promises him.

"He told me he was going to go on my Girl Scouts field trip next week…I was so happy," Zola whispers in her mother's ear.

Meredith is rendered speechless as she kisses the top of her daughter's head.

* * *

Four hours later, both children are asleep on her either of Meredith's legs, but she feels wide awake. Meredith's mind reels back to the words Derek told her mere hours ago.

 _"I am calling post-it, Zola, Bailey, the tumors on the wall, ferryboat scrub caps. I thought D.C. was everything. I was wrong. You... you're everything. I love you and I'm not going to stop loving you. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to prove it."_

Meredith turns her head towards the ceiling—willing God or the universe or Ellis or Lexie or whoever has power over this terrible world to will her husband to live. Meredith thinks of Derek's words. "Prove it to me Derek, stay with me here and prove it to me," she whispers.

"Dr. Grey?" a voice asks and Meredith whips her attention to a young woman in scrubs standing in front of her.

Meredith is rendered speechless as tears pour down her face. "Your husband is stable, but there may be extensive brain damage. We don't know if we got him to CT in time to relieve the swelling in his brain," the doctor says.

"You…you—he's brain dead?" Meredith mumbles.

"We are hopeful for a different recovery, but it seems that he is in a coma. We were able to relieve the pressure. You and I both have seen people pull through in cases like these," she says, her voice hopeful. Her eyes wander over the sleeping children.

"We also have seen people who don't pull through," Meredith whispers.

The doctor doesn't respond. "A nurse will watch them if you'd like to see your husband," she says.

Meredith sits by his bedside for what feels like days. Her kids came and went with Alex. Miranda sits with her most of the night. Cristina calls and talks on speaker to Derek—telling him he doesn't have any other option but to live. She already saved him once and he can't quit on her now.

* * *

Three days pass and Meredith can feel the doctors growing less hopeful.

Meredith grows less hopeful.

* * *

"Derek," Meredith whispers as she holds his hand. It's raining and all that consumes her are the monitors and the _plunk-plunk_ of the rain. "If you have to go, we'll be fine. But, please, Derek I am begging you I don't want to live without you. I won't ever stop loving you either. You are the love of my life. Do you hear me? My one and done. Please come back to me. To Zola and Bailey," Meredith cries.

Nothing but the rain and the monitors greet her once again.

Meredith had fallen asleep when she feels a thumb slide across her palm. Meredith snaps her head up and it looks as if Derek is still asleep. "Derek?" she asks, her tone low, as if she's imagining things.

"Derek, tell me I am not crazy, please," Meredith begs.

"Mere-dith," Derek slurs, his eyes barely open.

Meredith's world rightness itself as her face breaks into a smile and tears pour down her cheeks.


	2. Thankful for Bailey

_For me, Grey's Anatomy died right along with Derek. For so many years, I looked forward to Thursday nights. Now, I watch an episode here and there and wonder if it's the same show at all. In this one, we get to know Bailey a little bit, because we know nothing about that little guy. Every time we see him, he's about two years older._

"You ready to go home today, Shepherd?" asks the nurse as she removes all of Derek's tubes. The endless beeping of machines around him finally is about to come to an end.

"You know, Jane, I would love to stay an extra week, but it seems my wife wants me home," Derek jokes as he smiles at Meredith who is throwing his things into a bag. Bailey sits on the edge of his dad's bed, a hand placed firmly on Derek's hand. Zola is standing next to Meredith holding two bags for her.

"We want daddy home too!" Zola adds.

"Is that right?" asks Jane, Derek's night nurse.

"I already missed my last Girl Scouts field trip but daddy promised he would go on the next one. You know where we are going Nurse Jane?" asks Zola excitedly.

"Where?" questions Jane.

"Camping," Zola and Derek say at the same time. Bailey giggles and Meredith smiles.

"I…want to come," Bailey says quietly.

Ever since the accident, Bailey hasn't wanted to leave Derek's side. Every night, when Bailey has to leave to go home, he cries the entire ride, fighting the restraints of the car seat—sobbing for his dad. "We will talk about it later," Derek tells his son as he squeezes Bailey's hand.

Once they arrive back home, the house seems cold and quiet. The way it had seemed for the past three weeks—hell, for the last few months without Derek. "I'm never leaving again," Derek vows as he walks through the door, taking a deep breath.

Meredith smiles to herself as Zola pulls her dad along. "Mommy was so restless without you," Zola informs her father while Bailey nods adamantly, as if he knows what _restless_ means.

Derek turns to Meredith with a smile and leans down to Zola. "How do you know what _restless_ means?" Derek wonders.

"Daddy, I am in _first_ grade, you know. It means that mommy had an inability to rest due to anxiety. My teacher gave me a children's dictionary. I got to the _R's_ last night," Zola announces.

Derek silently thanks the universe for bringing him back to his little girl. "You're so smart, Zozo," Derek tells her as he gathers Zola into his arms and then reaches out for Bailey, who runs into his open arm.

Meredith is called into the hospital and Derek makes dinner for his children. He puts in the _Finding Nemo_ and they watch all cuddled on the couch. Derek missed this aspect of his life so much. He'd give it all away, all the surgeries, all the glory for these kids—for Meredith—how had he not seen this?

Nearly halfway through, Zola is sound asleep at the end of the couch. Bailey still lays in Derek's arms, fighting sleep. Derek runs a hand through his son's hair. He is in constant awe of how much Bailey looks like Meredith. They both have the same blonde hair, same nose and smile— _beautiful_ is all Derek can think.

Bailey turns to his father and gives him a sleepy smile. Derek smiles back and looks into those eyes that are so much like his own. Derek never cared much for his eyes until Bailey was born with the same blue orbs. "Daddy, can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Bailey whispers.

"Why, buddy?" Derek asks, his eyes creasing with concern.

"I want you to stay with me," Bailey says as she draws circles with his finger on Derek's chest—avoiding his father's worried eyes.

"Is this because I left?" Derek questions.

Bailey doesn't respond at first. "You left a long time," he answers.

Derek kisses Bailey's forehead. "I'm not leaving again. Not without you, not without Zola and mommy," Derek promises.

"Mommy cried…when you gone," Bailey says. For a five-year-old, Bailey was incredibly coherent and emotionally intelligent. Derek loved Bailey's tender nature.

"I'm sorry I hurt you guys," Derek tells him.

"I sleep next to mommy when she cry," Bailey says.

Derek had no idea that Meredith had gone such turmoil in his absence. Derek missed his family desperately, but he never understood how much they missed him until now. How close had he come to losing them? Bailey's words reminded Derek of all the nights he spent as a little boy comforting his mother after his father was shot. "I love you, son," Derek whispers to Bailey and pulls him closer.

That night, Derek carries both of his children into the master bedroom, plants them both on the bed and lays next to them. Derek cries as he looks at their sleeping forms. He turns to Bailey and pulls the blanket up around him. "Thank you for taking such good care of mommy, I love the three of you so much," Derek whispers to him.


	3. I Have A Reason

"I'm taking some time off," Derek announces while Meredith rushes around the kitchen, getting Zola's lunch together. Derek puts a hand on her back and takes over the sandwich making.

"Derek, you already are taking time off," Meredith says, as if she's stating the obvious. Derek has already been home for a month.

Bailey whips through the kitchen making airplane noises while Zola walks into the kitchen yawning—she has never been a morning person or a punctual person for that matter. Zola is constantly making someone run late on account of sleeping in too late.

Meredith sighs and turns towards their children. "Bailey, breakfast now, baby. Zo, please make sure you have your homework in your book bag so daddy doesn't have to come and bring it to you at school," Meredith pesters.

Derek ignores the children and focuses on Meredith. He's worried she's been stretching herself too thin, maybe it was time for him to have some time off. Maybe try out being a stay at home dad for a few months. He brushed too close to death and now he wanted to get back to his family. "I know, but Meredith I think I should take an extended leave. Maybe six months to a year—I can do research and conduct studies still, but I want to be home more often. I want more of this," Derek says, gesturing to Bailey and Zola, who are arguing over who will take the umbrella to school on this perfectly sunny day.

"Derek, as long as you're here, in Seattle that's all I need. Work or no work or just less work, I just need you here, okay?" Meredith clarifies.

Derek smiles at his wife and gives her a kiss.

"Eww! Aunt Amelia told me kissing is where babies come from!" Zola giggles as she stares at her parents. Bailey seems to have won the umbrella, he stands by the door proudly holding the small, yellow children's umbrella.

"Aunt Amelia might have just been kidding," Derek tells Zola.

"Aunt Amelia wouldn't lie to me," Zola insists.

Meredith clears her throat. "Come on, we have to go. Daddy will pick you up at 12:30 from pre-school Bailey to go to the dentist. Zola, mommy will be there after school to get you and if I'm in surgery…" Meredith starts.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah and if you're in surgery daddy or Aunt Maggie or Aunt Amelia or Uncle Alex will pick me up," Zola finishes.

Derek laughs at Zola. "I will pick you up if mommy can't," Derek clarifies.

Meredith herds the kids towards the door. Bailey runs and grabs the toast from his plate. Meredith sighs as he runs towards her with his uneaten breakfast. "Have a good day!" shouts Derek.

Meredith gives him a wink and the kids race to their mother's car.

* * *

Later on that afternoon, Meredith calls Derek to tell him that there was a massive car accident on the freeway and she wouldn't be home for hours. "It's a beautiful day to save lives, Meredith. Don't worry about the kids, I'll see you later," Derek tells his wife as he pulls into Bailey's preschool.

"Okay, love you," Meredith says before the line goes dead. Derek parks the car and takes a deep breath. His knuckles are white from driving so nervously. He still can't shake the accident. It's not his driving that scares him—it's everyone else's.

Derek puts his thoughts aside as he walks into the office. "Dr. Shepherd, I am glad to see you have made a recovery," the office secretary, Rachel says.

Derek gives her a small smile. "I am glad to be recovered, should I go get Bailey?" Derek asks.

"No, need he's right there," Rachel offers, gesturing towards the door.

Bailey runs into the office, his all-too-big backpack flailing off his shoulders. "Daddy!" he says as Derek takes his son into his arms. Derek can't believe he ever thought about leaving all this behind. His family _is_ happy in Seattle. Meredith was right.

"You ready for the dentist?" Derek asks.

Derek's three-year-old just shrugs and nods his head.

* * *

About a quarter past four, Zola's school bus pulls up to the end of the small private drive. Derek and Bailey wait as Zola bounds down the steps with a toothless smile on her face. "Daddy!" she greets just as her brother did a few hours ago.

Derek greets her with a hug and asks her about her day. The walk back to the house is a long shaded driveway that both kids refer to as "Zola and Bailey Road". "I lost another tooth!" Zola announces as she holds up a plastic bag with a white, bloody tooth.

"Tooth?" Bailey asks, reaching for it.

Zola stops and looks at her brother. "In a few years, you'll lose teeth too. I'll help you pull them out, it'll be like our own surgery," Zola vows to Bailey.

Bailey doesn't respond and looks to his father. Derek laughs at his children. "We will cross that bridge when we come to it," he mumbles.

"My friend Lizzie said the tooth fairy would come tonight but I was wondering how could the tooth fairy be real daddy?" Zola wonders aloud.

Derek considers telling the truth, but figures Zola might ruin all the fun for other kids. "Why can't the tooth fairy be real?" Derek reflects.

Zola squints at her father. "Because there's no such things as magic," Zola insists.

"No magic!" Bailey echoes, making Derek smile.

"And who told you that?" Derek asks Zola.

"Aunt Cristina told me on the phone," Zola reveals.

Derek sighs, he knew this had to have come from Cristina. Maggie, Alex, and Amelia would've gone along with the tooth fairy. "How about for now, you just put that tooth under your pillow and see what happens, if you're still doubtful, we can talk," Derek negotiates.

Zola considers the offer and nods. "What does doubtful mean again?" she asks, totally changing topics. Derek swears her brain runs laps around his sometimes.

"It means that you're not sure of something," Derek clarifies.

"Well, I am _doubtful_ a fairy will sneak into my room tonight," Zola says as she marches up the steps to the house.

"I want fairy!" Bailey proclaims.

Derek sighs and represses another laugh. "What's for dinner?" he asks.

Zola just shakes her head with a smile. Zola is a very picky eater. "Cereal!" Bailey shouts. Bailey could live off of Cheerio's.

"No, no more Cheerio's," Zola tells him stearnly.

Derek laughs at how adult Zola can be—she can be bossy, but she's an amazing big sister. "Be nice, go play, I'll order pizza," Derek tells them.

* * *

Later that night, when both kids have long since went to bed, Derek can hear Meredith in the bathroom. "Meredith, when did you get home?" he asks.

The sound of retching reaches him instead. "Meredith, are you okay?" he asks as he gets out of bed and knocks on the bathroom door.

"I've been like this ever since I got out of surgery. Maybe it's food poisoning," Meredith answers.

Derek opens the door and looks at his wife who looks exhausted. Derek sees vomit on her chin and reaches for a washcloth and a hair tie. Gently, he wipes her face and puts her hair back. "There's no point in you being in here," Meredith sighs.

"Yes there is, my wife is sick, that's my reason," Derek says as he takes a seat next to her. Meredith gives him a small smile and leans her head onto his lap.

"I love you," Meredith whispers.

Derek runs his thumb across her forehead and then kisses it gently. "And I love you," he responds.


End file.
